Sigh, sometimes I feel like I’m not strong enough for this. I have always been too strong all my life and honestly I’m tired of being strong, I’m tired of always having to be the happy one, always wanting to love and show affection to those around me, like when will I be the person that is shown unconditional love and gratitude for all that I do to keep everyone one else happy, healthy whether physically or mentally and sane from whatever they’re going through because right now I feel like I am seriously about to break and when I do it will not be something that I can recuperate from it as easy as I have before, I will not be able to close the bathroom door and cry and then come out as if everything is okay. All I ask is when this happens who will be there to help me gather myself?
Just me having to ask myself that question lets me know that I am being to much of an anchor for others and not enough for myself nor do I have anyone who is willing to be an anchor for me…sigh, but when will I ever learn?
I don’t think I ever will because I have an issue with settling…settling even when I know I feel no joy or happiness in these situations, I stay around because I know that these people need me but I need to realize I need myself just as much because at the end of the day all I have is me, no one else.
Unfortunately, venting verbally doesn’t help w/ the pressure building within me or the anxiety I feel because no matter who I vent to it falls on deaf ears, so I can’t even alleviate myself that way.
I guess I will figure it out. I mean I always do, somehow.
Anyways, I always some how find myself writing these depressing posts at night..no more…at least for now…Goodnight :)